Really love the quote above and to be honest, it’s really true.
If you know me personally, you would know that I’m a very emotional person. “Emotional” meaning I would let my emotions control me. To some it may sound stupid but to me, it’s the reality of my life.
I wasn’t like this all the while surprisingly. The first time I remember suddenly being emotional was towards to end of last year. I started apologizing and saying sorry for no reason - even if it wasn’t my fault. The fact of the matter is, I wasn’t like this, saying sorry used to be the hardest thing that could ever come out of my mouth. I remember taking a good few hours just to apologize to someone because I screamed at her. Yes, I’m prideful and I know. Actually I more or less know why I suddenly changed and became so emotional - and it wasn’t a sudden change, it was a decision to do so.
Here’s one thing I’ve learnt - don’t ever ever ever try to be someone else, even if that someone else seems to get more favor than you. Just be yourself. Why? Because at first people would slowly adapt to it but over time, they would know that you’re trying to be that person and it just makes you look fake. I knew I was trying to be someone else and I knew people were starting to know that. Come to think of it, I’d rather just be myself than be that person, mainly because it’s so tiring to live up to that person’s expectations from people.
Why a sudden reflection from me? Because over the course of one month I really discovered and learnt a lot from something that I’ve never been through before.
For someone like me, friends are very important, don’t care how they treat you, but as long as I’ve got friends by my side, I’m contented. That’s probably one of the reason I’m able to deal with so much negative comments hauled at me and not leave - because I NEED friends because that’s probably all I’ve got. But surprisingly within one night, you’re able to lose most of them. People say things don’t just happen overnight, but this did. I messed up and I admit, but I’m not trying to gain sympathy here because I’ve tried all I could to amend it and it still didn’t work so trying to beg any further would just reflect how desperate I am (not that I wasn’t desperate to get the friendships back in the first place).
I do admit that I’m a hypocrite and I do admit I wasn’t being “real” because I was trying to be someone else all along but come on, you expect people to stay by your side for long when you’re not being real? Hah.
They meant the world to me and I honestly did not know what to do after that night. I woke up thinking I would feel better because at least I know now how they really want things to be like between me and them but ultimately I woke up knowing that I did something really really stupid. Then the begging and apologizing came in. I tried for practically three days straight to beg and apologize but every single time the replies were “No”, “No.” and “No.” I have honestly never felt so desperate and so low about myself before over a friendship. I have never thought a friendship would be able to make me apologize so many times and it’s just disturbing to know people can change you. I felt stupid and regretful every single day for a week leading to that and I just felt like I had no one anymore. I just lost all my friends, all that 3 years spent together, all those memories, just gone overnight.
‘O’s was around the corner and I really had to make a decision. I was never mature ever in my life but this time I had to make a mature decision. It affected me for a week already and I’ve wasted a week not doing anything and I can’t let this go on and affect my ‘O’s because it just isn’t worth it. I have NEVER felt so emotionally drained just trying to not think about it and study. Just study. It was never easy - to not think about something that meant a lot to you and to just do what you’re suppose. It was never easy whenever I opened the books to read through.
BUT. “You will never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have left.” The amazing thing was, this whole situation only left me with one choice - to just be strong. And that’s all I had left to do, be strong and push through ‘O’s not getting affected. It really struck me one day when I was laying in my bed that I could actually be this strong. It was actually possible to not let your emotions control you. Will > Emotions as my cousin would say.
I have learnt so much about myself through this experience and if you were to tell me that at the end of the day I would know how strong I am and if you were to ask me if I want to go through it again, my answer would be yes. Because even though I’ll be losing my friends, I would know that that situation would ultimately lead to me finding out how strong I actually am.
All in all I’ve learnt that people don’t stay in your life forever, so while they’re still there, treasure them and make those moments last as long as you can because even if it does fall out one day, you know you’ve tried your best in that relationship or friendship.
To the ten of you - thank you. The times spent with you all were probably the greatest times I’ve had in my secondary school days. I admit, I’ve not been a good friend and I admit, I’m the cause to most of your problems. I cannot say anything other then I’m sorry. I know a leopard never changes its spots, but it can. Because I know it myself now. I’m not asking you to accept me back as a friend, neither am I asking for another chance to amend the friendship, all I ask is that you know I’m sorry for what I did - whether you believe it or not. Just know that I want to apologize to you. Thank you for 3 wonderful years and I would trade nothing for the memories. All the best for your futures and I hope the friendship amongst you would last.
The reason I decided to blog about this was not because I wanted people to know what I’m going through and gain pity on me, but I just want to let people know that you CAN be strong if you choose to. It’s not going to be easy to put mind over matter, but sometimes you’re left with no choice but to do so - and the results may surprise you. It is possible to not let your emotions affect you because your surroundings don’t determine your mood, but yourself.
I regret, I regret every single day for what I did that night, but the truth is, time can’t be turned back, and life goes on. Expect new things and good things the next day.
Lastly, I really want to thank God. He’s really good and awesome. He managed to reveal to me what I could never see about myself, and I believe He is working things out for the good of His people.
